Lisa Leonard Designs

fear and finding peace

November 8th | david, inspiration, thoughts

Things have been a little crazy around here for the last couple months. It’s mainly focused around David’s burst of new activity and trying new things. It’s incredibly exciting so see him climbing stairs, standing on tables {yikes} and clearing out the cupboards. Every day it seems like he’s trying something new–and it makes my heart so happy to see him grow and learn and succeed.

But there’s another part of me that struggles with change. I have to watch him more–a lot more. The more independent he gets, the less independence I have. And while that’s a phase with toddlers and preschoolers, it will be likely be life-long for our family. The other day while I was driving to meet my sister I was trying to sort through all my emotions. Why am I not overjoyed with David’s progress? What is going on with me?

And then the word hit me like a ton of bricks. Fear. Fear that my life will stop and will completely revolve around his needs. Fear that as David gains independence I won’t be able to keep him safe. What if he climbs up something and falls down and really gets hurt? What if he opens a door when I’m not looking and gets out of the house? What if we’re no longer able to eat out or have friends over because David takes too much of our time and attention?

Recognizing my own fear helps to stop me from falling into a spiral. Today may be difficult in ways, but today is manageable. Today is beautiful. Today we are busy with David’s needs but I get time to sneak away and be with friends. We have people over for dinner often. I have time to create and dream and get inspired.

Last week I met Chrissie in Carpinteria for a sister day and it was like food for my soul. It was so good.

Time with her wipes away fear and helps me to regain perspective. Maybe since we are identical twins, I’m actually more myself when we are together? A day away last week was just what I needed to refresh, recharge and get inspired.  And truthfully, coming home I am ready to give all I am to my boys. I’m ready to celebrate David’s success. I’m less fearful and more whole.

We are all facing challenges in our life–small or big. How are you coping with fear and finding peace these days?

38 Responses

  1. Amy F says:

    Love you friend!

  2. faith says:

    My 18 yr old son who has been diabetic since age one,
    left in August for college. The fear I had was almost paralyzing. All of the control that I had over the disease,
    was now in his hands. I am constantly worried about him and the long term effects of the disease. Mostly, I do not have long range goals…..just one day at a time…..and there are other children in the home that also need our
    love and attention. Hang in there.

  3. jennifer Camplin says:

    We heart you!!

    cyber hugs!!

  4. Heidi says:

    I meet fear the only way I know. And it’s what the Bible says too. Pray, unceasingly, pray. Fear not, for I am always with you, says the Lord. Remembering I am never facing a fear alone, He is right by my side, keeps me moving forward here on earth and closer to Him eternally. Pray.

  5. Karen H. says:

    Seven years ago my husband had a life saving double lung transplant. He knocked on deaths door and was actually alive on a ventilator when they did the transplant. He has been amazingly healthy over the last seven years and we have moved on with our lives. The last few months, however he has lost some lung function and we are back being filled with fear again.

    I have to believe that God has a plan. He has given us seven more years, a little boy that we are in the process of adopting, and so much more. I have to believe that God loves me so much that He knows that I can handle the situation and be strong. He knows that I can hold my husband up to Him. He knows that I am at peace knowing that God is in control!

    Lisa, I know that a son is different than a spouse, but I also know your faith and know that your fear is temporary! Keep the faith, keep smiling, and hug all three of your guys tight!

  6. Merideth says:

    Love that you get away to be with the people you love who feed your soul.xo

  7. Lisa says:

    Hey Lisa, I’m also a Lisa as well. I have a son with Downs who will be 25 next month and I remember going through all those worries myself. He didn’t walk till he was 6 yet he could get out of his bed and hit the floor with a thud. I made him a baby gate for his room out of a picket fence gate that was 4 feet tall that kept him in. I made him a anklet with bells on it so I always knew where he was headed. Then I could go to the bath room by my self lol I have door alarms that are small and I put them on all the doors. I even have some brand new left overs if you’d like them-I’d be happy to drop them in the mail to you. When he gets older and can lift a window, be sure to put on on that too. My son climbed out the 2nd floor window- not a bruise or bump on him but it was terrifying for me. Anyway, you can do it, it just takes some creativeness which you have. if you ever want to chat, just let me know, I’ve been through it all lol

  8. I’m trying to live more in the moment. I worry a lot. It’s actually my best and favourite thing-apparently. I even worry that I’m missing things because I worry.

    So. I remind myself that I am intrinsicly a worrier, that that is ok and life is a blessing each and every moment. The more I remind myself the better I become at letting go of the clutter.

  9. LOVD says:

    Sweet, Lisa…Let go, and let God.

  10. Linda says:

    Thank you Lisa for sharing your heart with us! That was so touching and I can understand how all those emotions and fears could overwhelm anyone.

    Something I sorta knew before, but just recently grasped more fully, is that God is everywhere in time.

    So whatever we may go through in the future; His presence is already there.

    For me this realization is so very comforting because I had always hoped that I’d have the grace for any and all future difficulties, but now knowing that God is already there (since He’s not limited by time) is such a sweet thought — that YES! — He will be with me so I don’t have to fear walking through life’s dark valleys.

    He’s here right now, and He’s already there too (in my future).

    So Jesus is already with you, David, and your family in your future. : )

  11. all shall be well says:

    Hi Lisa,
    Thank you for being so honest and sharing your life, the joys and the fears. You blog has always inspired me, it is beautiful, calm, and makes me so grateful for the little things. I am actually reading Angie Smith’s new book, “What Women Fear,” right now and it is helping me so much to recognize and realize what I fear and what I do with that fear……… and how God is right there in the midst of everything……

    Praying for your sweet family, karen:)

  12. Melissa says:

    I am going to be losing my job at the end of this month and I worry every single day how my family is going to make it on one income. Then I have to remember that my family is healthy, safe and we have a home. I will be 40 in April and this is not where I thought my life would be but it’s better than where it could be.
    I have to remind myself daily that we will be alright(even if it doesn’t seem like it), and I have to have faith I will find another job!
    Hope your little family continues to have success in what ever they are doing! :)

  13. Toni says:

    Lisa, I would love to meet for coffee and talk. Fear had a huge grip in my life at one time–I would love to pass on how the Lord freed me, and how He taught me to fight. You can walk in peace–the kind of peace that the world does not understand. xox.

  14. Sarah Jane says:

    Lisa, your blog is a piece of beauty, love and honesty. Praying you continue to find your way.

  15. I love that you are so close with your twin. I have twin girls, and hope they will always lean on each other.

    I think talking to a trusted loved one is how we get through all of our trials. I’m glad you were able to recharge.

  16. Linda says:

    You are so sweet and such wonderful people around you, everything will work out just fine. You seem to be such an amazing mother too.

  17. Gussy Sews says:

    love you Lisa…

    i’ve struggled with a fear of flying for about 18 months. this fear is much more manageable now, but i still feel physically ill every time i step inside an airport, and then even more so when i step on the airplane. i’ve found it helps to pray with confidence — simply saying “God, please protect me” wasn’t calming my nerves. Instead i’d pray “God, I know you will protect me”… it’s simple, but it’s helped so much.

  18. EG says:

    Great post – thanks for your transparency.

  19. kristen says:

    hi, ll — just a note to let you know how amazing i think you are. i’ve followed your blog for a while, & i can’t imagine how you find the time to be such a loving mom to your boys & wife to your husband, connect regularly with family & friends, & run your business/create beautiful jewelry, not to mention blogging! i’m a mom of two, too, & am currently dealing with myriad issues around my 13yo ADD/high-anxiety daughter; i feel like it’s eating about 85% of my time, & the other 15% is cooking, cleaning, laundry & driving. if you’ve got some personal tips/rules for balancing it all, then please feel free to offer them up — & please know you’re not alone in your mama fear! you. are. inspirational. ~ kristen :)

  20. Whitney says:

    a church member told me once:

    “Fear and frustration are much stronger emotions than
    Faith and Inspiration.”

    I have to repeat those words to myself often. It’s okay to fear things–it’s getting over the fear that really matters.
    You’re a great mom and an inspiration to many, including myself.

  21. Susan says:

    You are inspirational, keep it up! No pressure. 😀 You are amazing and you will be fine!

  22. Linda Z says:

    So glad that you have been encouraged and renewed and ready to face the new challenges. I pray that God will reveal His plan and help you walk in the love that casts these fears aside.

    My entire life has changed in the past year and a half. I am dealing with chronic illness, and I am dealing with fears that I will never be the same again. I look the same on the outside, but the inside is so different. Maybe God doesn’t want me to be the same. I believe He has a plan, even if I can’t see even a glimpse of it on many days. I have to trust in that.

  23. Kendall says:

    Thank you for sharing. I’ve been in a new town with my new baby and husband for three months now, and I’m afraid of everything! I hate how fear paralyzes me. I actually stood on the curb for 5 minutes this afternoon convincing myself to knock on the door of a neighbor I met once and see if she wanted to go for a walk around the block. (I did. She wasn’t home.)

    Your fears certainly are much bigger and completely understandable, but I’m sure you will handle them with the faith and grace that I’ve come to expect when I read your blog. Thanks for sharing your heart with your readers.

  24. kirstie says:

    wow, lisa. i don’t have any wise words. i’m going through a stage that also causing me some fear but i like what maggie said – pray with confidence! i think that identifying and facing those fears makes you brave :-)

    me and mine will pray for you and yours as you go through these new blessed but scary experiences!

  25. Kelli says:

    Big hugs to my fellow curly blogger.
    Thank you for being so honest.
    Change can be so hard, even when it’s good.
    The best part is realizing what you need (like time with your sis) and making sure you get those needs met so you can be present. Way to go!
    I am about to wrap up two months of very intensive weekly head-shrinking in a half hour. It’s been scary! While my life felt very fulfilling for a long time, I was neglecting my relationship with my hubby. I’ve also been processing a lot of sad family drama concerning my parents and siblings. It was so scary to rip the bandaid off and expose myself and be honest and sort of start over in many ways (my marriage! thank you for your “pretend you’re in love” post this summer!), but now I truly feel that I am whole…for real. Acknowledging fear and then facing it, one day at a time, one action at a time, is so worth it. It helps us be authentic.
    You are a wonderful mama!!

  26. Jeri T. says:

    We share a car. I work from home. It all makes for me truly needing time out of the house. If I can get time for me, the fears get smaller, the worries more easily given to God’s hands.

    The balance of being home and being out and about is so crucial to my health as well. The more balanced out, the more I heal.

    I’m so glad you shared.

  27. melody says:

    I can only imagine this fear for you. I personally am going through fear of a loved ones health and it scares me to no end…all I guess I can do is let go and let God.

    Peace be with you,

  28. Mary Beth says:

    David is a lucky boy to have a mama who loves him so much!

    When fear is overwhelming me the Lord usualy has me step back and see that I never had control, I only thought I did. HE is in control, and He always has had control.

    HE is also faithful. HE is also good. HE is also mindful of our needs. HE loves my children infinately more than I do and HIS plans are for good and not evil.

    Easier said than done, but as I sit back and look at all HE has already done my faith rises.

    Try asking yourself, what if David doesn’t fall and really hurt himself, what if he opens a door and nothing bad happens, what if he does stay safe?

    Remember, you are an amazing mama!

  29. Anne says:

    From reading your blog I can tell you are calm, organized, patient and have the strength and faith to get you through the tough spots. When things start getting “out of control”…I pray for strength and courage to face whatever happens. I also remember a book (?)I read…the author mentioned when she was battling breast cancer she would keep herself calm by repeating something like “What if everyhing was all all right”…almost like a mantra….and I’ve tried that.. with a few slow deep breaths does help. Good Luck!

  30. Lynn says:

    What a lovely, honest post. I read the most wonderful book years ago…it’s still available on Amazon. “The Power of the Powerless” by Christopher De Vinck . I think it will bring a happy feeling to you, too. Enjoy. What a dear, thoughtful, loving person you are.

  31. Debby says:

    By “peeking’ (via this blog) into the lives of two sisters who love each other so well!

  32. kristen says:

    I always love your honesty, Lisa, and thank you for sharing your fears here. The only way I know to cope with my fears is through a lot of prayer. I’m not very good about verbalizing them :(

    Aren’t sisters THE best? I always, my whole life wished that I had had a twin. I’m so glad that being together is so lovely for you both!

  33. Chrissie says:

    I’ve always felt like we are two halves of the same circle, Lisa. I love how you listen and speak Truth and kindness into my life. And I love you!

  34. LT says:

    Thank you for such an honest and open post. Sometimes a little break, along with recognizing your feelings, is such a relief. I’m glad that you got to recharge with your sis. Sister time feeds the soul.

  35. Melanie says:

    What a beautiful, open, raw post. Your fears with David are very real. I hope that by taking breaks once in awhile, that it helps you to remain calm and focused. My oldest son, Philip passed away two years ago at the age of 21. All I can tell you is that I take one day at a time. I put one foot in front of the other, breathe, and talk to God a lot – even though I am angry with Him. Love and blessings to you!

  36. Sosae says:

    Hi Lisa. I really enjoyed your post, especially because of your honesty. It’s hard to say the things you said, but they’re true for a lot of us. Last month my husband was diagnosed with end-stage liver disease. He’s only 40. I went from dreaming and fantasizing about starting a family, to spending my nights in the ICU, wondering if I’d have my husband for much longer… It’s been hard. But woman are strong – it’s in our nature to have resilience and inner strength. We hold on. We make the best of things. And we learn to love our lives, and like Thoreau said, not to shun it. I should note that in spite of the doctors’ predictions, my husband is getting better each day. So we hold hands and walk forward as a family, always looking up and around and doing our best to enjoy life. Because, I think, even if we all live to 100, life is still very short. Wishing our best to you and your beautiful family – you’re such a thoughtful wife and mother… (Many many hugs to sweet David.)

  37. Heather G. says:

    Awh – I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.

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