david

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I was sharing with a friend yesterday how broken i was when david was born.  i remember sobbing with steve in my hospital room.  life was over, and i would never experience joy again.  i looked out the window of my hospital room and noticed a huge oak tree.  we had driven by that oak tree every time we went to lamaze classes, every time we had a doctor visit and the day i was admitted to the hospital.  it seemed so strange to see that oak tree standing there.  the world had crumbled around me–how could that oak tree still be standing there?  grief enveloped us.  i couldn’t pretend to be okay.  i existed in a state of numbness and pain.  nothing made sense anymore.  a minute lasted an hour and a week felt like a year.

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looking back, it’s amazing how different i feel today.  david has brought us so much joy.  he fills my heart with love and gratitude.  during that time, no one could tell me “it will be okay, you’ll find joy”.  i had to walk through the sorrow.  i had to heal in my own time.  i had to fall in love with david and learn that, sometimes,  joy comes from the unexpected.  there are moments, days, where i still grieve david’s missing fingers or medical issues.  there are days i wish he could run and play like his brother.  but reflecting back, i can confidently say, the joy far outweighs the pain.

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