There was a short period of time when David was bigger than Matthias. By six months old Matthias had already passed David in weight and length. When they were young, they had t-shirts that said, ‘littlest big brother’ and ‘biggest little brother’.

They aren’t the children I imagined I would have. I’m not the mom I thought I would be. It’s completely different than I expected and so much better.

And oh my gosh, they’re growing up so fast! David just turned 19 and I feel a new grief around his life looking so different than a typical 19 year old’s life. He will always need full time care. At the same he fills our lives with joy and beauty.

Simultaneously Matthias is 17 and I’m grieving the last moments before he moves out and gains independence. I don’t want him to grow up and I love watching him become more independent. He’s one of my favorite people.

It’s amazing my heart can hold these two extremes—grief over one staying and one going, overwhelming joy and sadness. Maybe this is the complexity of being human? Our hearts can simultaneously hold conflicting emotions and desires. Joy and sadness, hope and fear, love and loss. I’m grateful for all of it.

 I feel like the luckiest mom to get to call these two my sons. They are each unique, insightful, determined, and full of love. Thank you God for these boys!

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