since mother’s day is approaching i’ve been reflecting on being a mom. last week i shared about david’s birth.

today i’ll share our journey with matthias’ birth and first year.

just 10 months after david was born we got pregnant again. we felt ready. 10 months of grieving, adjusting, making it work and falling in love with david felt more like 10 years. i think time moves slower when you’re in crisis.

we were considered a high-risk pregnancy because of david’s disability, but everything went incredibly well. we got pregnant easily. all the tests came back normal. all the ultrasounds looked perfect. even his delivery was easy. and when he was born it was like relief swept over my whole being. we had a healthy baby. we were so thankful!

if david’s birth story is about watching hope grow, matthias’ birth story is about finding peace and healing.

we brought our healthy baby boy home from the hospital and introduced him to david. and david wanted nothing to do with his new brother. he didn’t want to touch him or even look at him. and then the relief was gone and the guilt took over.

do i love matthias more than david?

will i have enough time to give david the attention he needs?

will matthias resent having a brother with a disability?

questions questions questions. and more guilt. how did this new baby fit into our family? everything was all out of whack again and i was devastated.

slowly we got to know matthias and fell in love. slowly we started to develop new routines. and slowly i began to feel that i could love each of my boys for who they were and stop comparing them.

i started to realize that the guilt was eating me from the inside out and it wasn’t doing anyone any good.Β  it wasn’t wrong to be grateful that matthias didn’t have a disability. i realized having a healthy child freed me to enjoy david and his developmental stages while enjoying matthias’ more typical growth and learning.

i am so thankful we had matthias when we did. he brings so much joy, imagination and kindness to our family. he is full of love and self-confidence. the boys love each other and make each other’s lives better.

matthias, your life has brought joy and healing to my heart. i love you.

friends, if you have children, did anything about motherhood surprise you? did you have any unexpected emotions?

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